How To Be An Evil Overlord (5.7KB)

The list below doesn’t have a blooming thing at
all to do with “survival”, but it is a lot of fun and I thought
everyone would enjoy it. I was an e-mail subscriber to the mailing list of a
science fiction web site based on the TV series Babylon 5 called “The
Church Of Joe”. The COJ emailed this list sometime in the late 1990’s. In the dozen plus years since
I posted this article to Kurt’s
very first website, the COJ has since faded into extinction. Which is to bad
really, because it was a lot of fun while it lasted ~ Cary

Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil
Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets
with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to
crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I
usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of
my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my
power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire
guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies’
predicament before killing them.

7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he
says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all
about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him
then say “No.”

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we
will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct
mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a
large red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do
Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to
disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the
inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority.
Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of
riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average
five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be
corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at
least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at
the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned
disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss,
a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a
digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I
will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just
putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence “But
before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will
occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his
laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would
provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be
as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and
she’d betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving
effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy
to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer
to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap
knock-off that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or
savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have
a more positive mind- set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the
prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my
head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech
weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage
to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with
spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of
my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the
job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I
will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible
except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members
of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not
desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner
sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything
important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power
supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded
weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure
cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally
stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors,
and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires,
no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to
death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no
source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my
realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no
unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a
messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good
messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won’t require high-ranking female
members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better
with a more casual dress- code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black
leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never
helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days
they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected
member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same
party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important
prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my
Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my
trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a
younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed
immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I
will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I
seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor
sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as
often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy
all those pesky time- travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure
I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal
capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of
skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to
my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who
work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb
things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear
understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if
my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here
is the price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he
is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill
the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun
a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead
of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control
through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is
ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one
artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it.
Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad
in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own
special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM
and Macintosh PowerBook’s.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins
expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will
immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified
architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret
passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture
says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh
well” and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a
demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being
contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball
psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send
them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less
attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in
basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters
will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts
or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will
never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer
smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also
be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in
under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking
everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response
that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no
alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in
a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in
incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that
nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and
get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which
could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with
publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a
room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution
Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow
Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a
fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or
dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating
that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the
system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera
malfunction as a full- scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life
sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.
However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again,
they’d better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the
realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be
placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of
the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for
intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be
trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the
other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s
loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a
crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together
around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional
weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go
free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is
impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation
of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the
details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on
top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to
attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break
off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will
not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the
edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a
rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and
decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I
will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of
earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror
“And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive
if it is reasonably practical.”

79. If my doomsday device happens to come
with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down
and made into limited- edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a
hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively
stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a
moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he
glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically
turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if
they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous,
unbalanced structure.

83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put
poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order
new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch
with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex
guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the
final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the
sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.”
Instead it will be more along the
lines of “Push the button.”

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device
is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be
covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at
a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to
try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero’s superweapon,
I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe
whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and
I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so
that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that
stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or
current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone,
I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given
me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone
for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of
righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of
the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the
hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will
not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified
medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and
his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma
team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so
that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the
control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished
with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my
realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and
affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them
together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and
criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are
saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I
will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will
be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently
locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited
Internet access.

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright
1996-1997 by Peter Anspach